If I Were You

"If I Were You" is a one-act play written by Douglas James. It is a gripping, suspenseful drama with a clever twist. The play is set in the cottage of a playwright named Gerrard. A burglar breaks in, intending to kill Gerrard and assume his identity to escape from the police. However, Gerrard is calm, witty, and quick-thinking. Through a series of clever bluffs and quick-witted conversation, Gerrard turns the tables on the intruder and locks him in a cupboard. The play explores themes of wit versus brute force, and the power of intelligence in a dangerous situation.

• Gerrard: A playwright living alone in a remote cottage. He is calm, humorous, quick-thinking, and highly intelligent. He uses his storytelling skills to outwit the intruder.
• The Intruder (Burglar): A criminal who is wanted by the police. He plans to kill Gerrard, take his identity papers, and live as Gerrard. He is cunning but no match for Gerrard's wit.

• Wit versus brute force: The intruder has a gun (brute force) but Gerrard has intelligence (wit). Intelligence wins.
• Presence of mind: Gerrard never panics. His ability to think clearly under extreme pressure saves his life.
• The power of storytelling: Gerrard — a playwright — uses his storytelling skill to construct a believable fiction that outsmarts the criminal.
• Identity and deception: The play plays with the idea of identity — who is the "real" Gerrard? Can one person simply become another?

• Intruder: Someone who enters a place without permission.
• Identity: The characteristics and information that define who a person is.
• Bluff: A confident statement or action intended to deceive.
• One-act play: A play consisting of a single act without an interval.

The play opens with Gerrard alone in his cottage, preparing to go out. He is on the telephone, apparently arranging a delivery. The phone conversation reveals that Gerrard leads an unusual, somewhat solitary life. Suddenly, the intruder enters with a gun. This abrupt entry creates immediate dramatic tension.

The intruder explains his plan clearly: he is a criminal wanted by the police. He has been watching Gerrard and discovered that Gerrard lives alone, seldom meets people, and no one knows him well. He intends to shoot Gerrard, take his clothes, identity papers, and assume his life. He says: "You're going to be my alibi." The plan is cold, calculated, and seemingly foolproof.

Rather than panicking, Gerrard is remarkably calm. He even jokes with the intruder. He treats the situation as if it were mildly interesting rather than life-threatening. This coolness unsettles the intruder, who expected fear. Gerrard's composure is not casual — it is deliberate, buying him time to think of an escape plan.

Gerrard tells the intruder a story: he claims that he himself is already a criminal on the run from the police. He says that the police are about to raid his cottage and that if the intruder kills him and assumes his identity, he will be walking into a police trap. He makes the story convincing with specific details — he says he was involved in a murder and that the police have been closing in. The intruder is genuinely uncertain.

Gerrard tells the intruder they must escape quickly and suggests they leave through the side door. He says he keeps a bag packed for quick getaways. The side door, however, leads to a cupboard. When the intruder moves toward the door, Gerrard knocks the gun aside, shoves the intruder into the cupboard, and locks the door. This physical resolution is brief but decisive.

The irony of the play is beautiful: Gerrard is a playwright — a professional maker of stories. When faced with a life-threatening situation, he does exactly what he does professionally: constructs a story. The intruder is a criminal but has no defence against a skilled storyteller. The play celebrates creative intelligence as the highest form of self-defence.

Throughout the play, there is rich dramatic irony and gentle humour. Gerrard's calm, witty responses to a man pointing a gun at him are inherently comic and tense at the same time. The audience knows that Gerrard is bluffing; the intruder does not. This gap between what the audience knows and what the character believes creates classic dramatic irony and suspense.

• Students sometimes describe Gerrard as the villain. He is the hero — the intruder is the criminal.
• Do not forget that the play is a one-act play — it has no scene breaks or acts within it.
• The title "If I Were You" is spoken by the intruder to Gerrard, but ironically it is Gerrard who successfully imagines himself as the intruder and outmanoeuvres him.

"If I Were You" is a brilliantly crafted one-act play that demonstrates the triumph of intelligence over force. Gerrard, a playwright, uses his storytelling skill to construct a bluff that confuses the intruder and allows him to lock the intruder in a cupboard. The play celebrates wit, presence of mind, and the power of creative thinking in a crisis. It is also gently comic, with humour arising from Gerrard's extraordinary coolness in the face of danger.